Potatoes: Overview

Yeah, you read right: Spuds. Taters. This week we're Classifrying them right up on a platter.

Sure, we were supposed to write about street art this week, but you know what? Tubers challenge and confuse us much more than Banksy ever will. And you can’t “eat” spray paint. Well, unless you’re Kelly Gibson (who may or may not be the love child of Kelly Clarkson and Debbie Gibson, which would explain SO MUCH).

If you spend any time in Switzerland, you will learn that there are like, several kinds of potatoes. Yes, you always knew there were the red ones and the white ones, and the ones wrapped in foil, and the little ones that are good for eating in one bite.

But, do you really know what to DO with them? Don’t answer that. Your answer is wrong.

Hot take: you don’t know taters.

Like why on earth would you want a red potato instead of a white potato and OH LET US BLOW YOUR MIND BECAUSE THERE ARE EVEN ALL MANNER OF WHITE POTATOES.

There are literally 5,000+ types of potatoes, but instead of highlighting one a day for the next 14 years, we’ll just cover some basics and some popular types.

So let’s start with the easy question: WTFIAP? (If you can’t figure out that acronym, please step away from the spray paint.)

A potato is a root vegetable; technically, a tuber. We know, you’re like “Pfft, I already know about tubers, what is this, amateur hour?” And that’s fucking great for you, but some of us are new here, Carl, so calm down and get a haircut already.

It’s a proven fact that a tuber is basically like a nutritious tumor. We are pretty sure that’s why there is a similarity in the names, though we have no evidence to back that up, which is why we’re comfortable telling the Internet it’s a proven fact.

Plants store nutrients underground so they can use them to live again when winter is over. It’s like plant cryogenics. Oh! They’re also used for asexual reproduction. Oh! Oh! Potatoes are also part of the nightshade family, which you may be familiar with due to the fact that lots of plants in the nightshade family are deadly AF. Shut up, Carl, you absolutely did not know that. We’re on to you.

So #neverforget: when you’re stuffing those chips in your tater hole (that’s hot chips, and decidedly not hot chip) you’re eating the sex organ of a relative of a thing that is highly deadly. It’s fine, we all have our kink and crinkle.

Ok. So, the plant stores nutrients underground and uses them to regrow after winter. They are really nutritionally complex, though we can’t have nice things, so we fuck it up by the way we eat them. Potatoes are primarily carbohydrates (sorry, Zac Efron, I know this must be hard for you - even though we are not). They have no fat, and they’ve got a bit of protein. Most importantly, though, is that they are full of vitamins & minerals: tons of vitamin C, potassium, folate and vitamin B6.

If you can get over your fear of starch, these tubers are a really good source of a lot of important shit your body needs. It’s no wonder they’ve become a staple of many diets worldwide.

Potatoes get a bad name because they are usually deep fried, which makes them 174% more delicious, but also makes them pretty much nutritional garbage. Way to go Britain and/or America (we’ll just sit back and watch each of you take that claim to fame), you’ve gone and ruined another great thing.

Boiled potatoes with the skin on? Slightly more good for you. But also shitty for jamming into your mouth by the handful while you’re binge-watching Dark. Though they do sop up the salty tears quite nicely.

It doesn’t make sense to classify potatoes from non-potatoes, because, well, I think we’re all on the same page here and know what a potato is … so we’ll dive a bit deeper into different types of potatoes and offer some tasting notes on those. But, just in case you’re not sure:

Tasting Notes:

1. Tastes like a fucking potato

2. Can be shot out of a PVC gun

3. Can power a clock radio

4. Shouldn’t be flushed down the toilet

P.S. Did you know there is an International Potato Center in Peru? Yeah, didn’t think so. But now you want the T-shirt of their logo, which seems to demonstrate the correct way to grasp deadly sex organs, no?