Potatoes: New Potatoes

Get ready for the veal of tubers.

Ok, we are almost done prattling on about different types of potatoes. We promise. To be fair, there are over 5,000 varieties, so we could do this forever, but … we won’t. Still, it just wouldn’t be right to give you the wax, the starch, and the all-purpose without explaining the dirty little secret in the potato community: the new potato.

Image credit: DrawSoCute on YouTube

Do you remember when you discovered that baby carrots weren’t actually a different kind of carrot, but were just normal ugly carrots that were shaved down to be bite-sized? Remember how much that fucked you up? How you lost three days of your life, and when you finally came to, you were in a different country, wearing a wedding ring and inexplicably covered in olive oil?

Or when you found out that broccoli and cauliflower and brussels sprouts and kale and cabbage are all the same fucking vegetable? Just cultivated differently? Remember that? No. Of course not, because, well, we’re not allowed to talk about that, now are we?

This is not going to be that bad, but you still might want to sit down. Pour yourself a glass of vodka (no, please don’t - it’s the worst) and prepare to have your mind blown. Because here’s the thing: new potatoes aren’t actually a different kind of potato. THEY ARE JUST BABY POTATOES, PLUCKED FROM THE GROUND BEFORE THEY GET TO EXPERIENCE LIFE, WITHOUT ANY HOPE OF A FUTURE OR A POTATO FAMILY OF THEIR OWN.

So, there you have it. You’re a monster. Because we know you like the taste of them better.

Potatoes that aren’t allowed to fully develop are waxy, sweet, moist and have thinner skin. They’re lower in starch than they would be if you grow them to full size, so even the starchy potatoes are waxy and sweet if stolen from their potato cradles early enough. Their underdeveloped size makes them perfect for boiling or roasting whole, and there’s no need to peel them. They’re like little potato angels, but heaven is YOUR MOUTH.

They’re finicky, though. You have to store them carefully because, unlike children, you can’t just throw them in the bottom drawer until you want to see them again. (Also unlike children, you will actually want to see them again.) They’re delicate, see, so you need to put them in a paper bag in a cool, dark place. Somewhere with good ventilation. The potatoes. Not the children. Who even knows what you’re supposed to do with children? Fridge? Plastic bag? Desert island? Experiment and let us know in the comments.

Oh, one more thing: since their skin is so thin, they can actually get sunburned if left out. And this, dear reader, makes them fucking poisonous. Note that this applies to both new potatoes and children.

Tasting Notes:

1. Thin skins.

2. Waxy, sweet and moist.

3. Low starch.

4. Easy to confuse with children, who also have eyes, excessive moisture, and thin skin, and sunburn easily. The easiest way to figure out the difference is to boil them: if it’s a new potato, it will be done in about 15 minutes, whereas the average child takes at least twice that long.

Common Varieties:

Any potato is a new potato if it is harvested early enough. Yes, it seems like cheating, but we didn’t make the rules.

Serving Suggestion:

We find that potatoes, like most things, are best enjoyed wherever children are not.